wait wait wait wait wait….

yes, that is to the tune of that Rihanna song…it’s so catchy!  

² When I was in deep trouble,
I searched for the Lord.
All night long I prayed, with hands lifted toward heaven,
but my soul was not comforted.
³ I think of God, and I moan,
overwhelmed with longing for his help…

⁴ You don’t let me sleep.
I am too distressed even to pray!
⁵ I think of the good old days,
long since ended,
⁶ when my nights were filled with joyful songs.
I search my soul and ponder the difference now.

…

But then I recall all you have done, O Lord;
I remember your wonderful deeds of long ago.
¹² They are constantly in my thoughts.
I cannot stop thinking about your mighty works.

¹³ O God, your ways are holy.
Is there any god as mighty as you?
¹⁴ You are the God of great wonders!
You demonstrate your awesome power among the nations.

 Psalm 77: 2-6; 11-14 (NLT)

My words are not sufficient to describe the feelings I have been having the past few months, there are moments when I feel just amazing, totally energized on a Jesus high and then others where I feel like a complete idiot so pathetic and weak.  Many times I have just sighed and been like “Jesus, buddy….what in the world is going on here?!?!”  I look in the mirror profoundly and ask “who am i?!” heehee, kidding!  Okay that may have happened…like once …maybe twice ;)

Feelings are so interesting, I’ve been told numerous times that I am a big hearted person, that I care so deeply, love harder (whatever that means).  Which, I see as a compliment and I’m very grateful for this gift God has given me.  There are many benefits, but there is also a greater risk and likelihood to be put in the line of fire, to feel hurt that much deeper.  I get frustrated that I have a hard time releasing, I will feel like my brain and feelings just won’t connect.  My brain will say “hey!  You are actually fine, life is great, God’s totally got you covered!  He works everything out for YOUR good!  Pretty sure He’s not trying to screw you over or psych you into going down the wrong path!”  then my feels will get involved and be like “Well, actually, we are hurt/upset so that trumps everything, also, please remember that you should feel sucky, ridiculous, and awkward! Ps. have you gained weight?”  Oh Satan, he is good.  I can see you all scratching your heads “Excuse me Kayla?! But WHAT?!  How did you get not only one mission agency to want you …but two with theology like that??”  Let me finish!  He is good…at being sneaky!!!  You give the tiniest, teeniest smidge of space and he creeps in and just harasses – sneakily and sometimes not so sneakily; he’ll just throw stuff in your face!  He DOES NOT play fair, his sportsmanship is poor – he wouldn’t make a very good curler that’s for sure!

Some things I have been pondering as of late:
-- I have had an empathy overload (An empathetic person is someone who can share another person's feelings. If you tell an empathetic person that your heart is broken, she might touch her own heart and gaze at you sadly through moist eyes.- that definition brought to you by Google) and it has brought me to a place of such deep hurt, sometimes it feels like it’s out of control.  What do you do when you get yourself down to someone’s level (for example you get into the hole with them, but then they climb out of the hole and take the ladder with them…)--

--Recognizing your issues vs. actually working them out--

--Failure is part of the process – dust me off so I can swing for the fences again!--

--God is not interested in just getting the job done – He’s wanting us to experience HIM.--

--Am I trying to shape my circumstances OR am I letting them shape me?--

--What am I afraid of? – many things as it turns out!--

“This is the boisterous city,
once so secure.
“I am the greatest!” it boasted.
“No other city can compare with me!”
But now, look how it has become an utter ruin,
a haven for wild animals.
Everyone passing by will laugh in derision
and shake a defiant fist.”
------------------------------------------Zeph 2:15
To me this speaks of the importance of humility, it’s important to keep yourself in check.  Also, I just think it the part about shaking a defiant fist is hilarious, who doesn’t love a good fist shake! 

PRAISE!!!

We’ve been praying for solid friendship and it’s been revealed! During these rough few months I have been overwhelmed by the support I have seen not only from friends overseas, but right here in my neighbourhood.  I have found myself being more candid and much more vulnerable, sometimes I would have moments of fear, realizing how much I had let someone in, worried what they must think of me.  However, instead of dwelling and playing the ‘what if’ game I reminded myself that vulnerability (when done in a safe space) has power.  It has the ability to strengthen friendship, create a space for growth, allow for expression.   I have a quote on my desktop which reads “A woman of beauty offers others the grace to be and the room to become…in her presence we can release tension and pressure that often grips our hearts”  My goal is to be a woman of beauty, and I am happy to report that God has placed many beautiful women in my life!  

Sometimes there are no words, you just need someone to sit with you, listen to you whine and then remind you that you are not alone and that God really does care. It’s okay to lose your marbles a bit. It’s okay to cry.  It’s okay to be weak.

Arduous times are SO exciting!  Why you ponder?  Well…

1. Jesus loves me enough to correct me!  If I’m doing something wrong – which is almost never…obviously! *insert witty smirk
2. I’m going to be better – my faith is being stretched
   1. I have reflected on 2015 Kayla, and 2016 Kayla is kinda blowing her outta the water….haha yes I am in competition with myself…
3. It’s an opportunity for great joy as one of my favourite Bible book writers, James, says (James 1:2).  It’s so fun to make a list of things I’m grateful for and watch my perspective shift and to be just gleeful (haha what a great word- it’s a real one too, I checked: http://www.dictionary.com/browse/gleeful!)

 

I’ve been able to go up to an indigenous reserve in Talamanca to serve with my local church during their mission week in this community – which does not let in just any outsiders!  It’s all very exciting!  I was there yesterday and today and made like million friends!  Lord willing, I will go back this weekend to continue spreading the love – and delicious coffee…turns out, I still make a good cuppa joe!

I had Canadian visitors who stole me away from the daily grind and whisked me off for a few days of work-free fun!!!

PRAYER!!!

1. This weekend I will hopefully be returning to the reserve, please pray for the message of God’s love to really resonate in everyone involved!  That there would be an atmosphere of comradery and joy.  The visual I have is just a giant hug…
2. On Monday, my 3 striders and I are off to Panama so that
   1. To have a mini retreat - all my girls are done their placements in August and will be heading back to their home countries.  It’s sad, but part of the job…however, if their passports happen to go missing I guess they’ll just have to stay with me forever! 
   2. 
      Please pray that we have a safe and super fun time, that we don’t get hassled anywhere and make it safely there and back
3. August of Awesomeness is almost upon us (AKA what I’m calling my August STEP team this year).  My goals include no one dying (if you weren’t around last year here’s the post: i want to burn out bright!: your faith is all it takes… ) and to create an environment which cultivates growth so that my Steppers can walk away with a deeper understanding of who God is and what He means to them!  Also,  unrelated to the team but a goal I have is to watch all the Die Hard movies, in order – I know, it’s all very spiritual!
4.  I want to be flabbergasted by God’s greatness! Pray I will have eyes to see and ears to hear!

Also, just a heads up but as of late I’ve been thinking that it’s been a very long time since I’ve made one of my infamous update videos.  So I’ve put it on my to do list!  I know you’re freaking out!  It will be amazing!  And now that I've told you, I'm bound to hacerlo – accountability! That’s how you get things done!

I will let you get on with your lives now, to bid you adieu here’s one of my Striders and I reppin’ it for the Great White North.  Happy Belated Canada Day!