Whaaat???! like there’s no one else? God has a specific purpose for me?!?! It’s true and i was slapped in the face with the concept this past Monday.
First, lets just recap my Sunday (‘cuz it was real fun) I went to church in Carpio, attended a surprise birthday lunch for Reynaldo (our handyman at New Horizons), then after, we celebrated further by going to play a little baseball; and October here might as well be called Mudober because you be getting mud alll ober you bahahahah!!! needless to say if they didn’t believe i was negra before they sure saw it after ….oh man it was fun!
Okay moving on to Monday! We had a retreat for the Refuge (the girls’ side) – i got invited because of the soccer team and, i heard it going around, because I'm awesome – something along those lines… Okay all humility aside it was a fantastic day. It was suuper cold (my fingers turned blue)! Oh man i can’t believe how God used this trip to whip his little Chan into shape. With all this talk of long term missions and everything that surrounds that I've been really digging into myself (good and bad) I've torn myself apart and hit me where it hurts and been ripping myself apart. Trying to figure out what my problem is why I've felt so estranged from God at times and why i haven’t been able to find time – bueno why i haven’t made time to sit down and listen. When i tried i would just get overwhelmed and find an escape. BUT at the retreat yesterday i didn’t give myself that option. We were given a quiet time to just hang out with God and look inside ourselves. Which i got really excited about (you’d think i never had the opportunity… but i was so pumped for this quiet time- must’ve been my psychic skills coming out because it was awesoome – 
yes i did just sing awesome).
Okay so i found this little secluded porch to settle into….
I started off just kinda talking to God being like “WHat is my deal? why am i so weird? what’s wrong with me? etc etc…” then i was like “shut up kayla, open those elephant ears and listen to what He’s got to say..you talk waaay too much!” During this time i had felt urged to listen to my ipod…which i thought was me trying to hide/distract myself. But after a few minutes I decided that it was so persistent maybe God wanted to share something with me through song and sure enough He hit me with this:
when there’s nothing I can’t afford to sacrifice there’s no way they can put out my fire
which got me thinking. “Can i honestly say that i have nothing left to lose?” and i immediately was like “no, i can’t” how upsetting! So i started to pry…what was i clinging to so desperately? What was i afraid of losing? What was blocking me from resting in God’s awesomeness?! One thing came to mind, I wrote it down, it scared me. Seeing it written out it seemed so ridiculous. Soon after i had dozen fears jotted down. I looked at the list embarrassed, scared, confused..and then it hit me “do i secretly think You (God) are going to leave me? I know you won’t but am i trusting in that?” Hmmm….
Then i was reminded of the verse God had given me before i made my way down here: “Be strong and courageous…be strong and courageous…i will never leave you nor forsake you” and i was like “aah yes I need to read that”…then i wrote down Jeremiah 1 (because for some reason that’s where i thought it was found) WRONG! so i open my bible and start to go to Jeremiah when i realize the passage is actually in Joshua but i was curious as to why i wrote down Jeremiah 1 so i flipped over
(ps just so you get the vibe hit play. This is what was playing while i was reading).
SO I start reading…then all of a sudden i hit verse 4, my heart started to accelerate and my eyes were flooded and tears started streaming down my face…
“The word of the LORD came to me, saying.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
“Ah, Sovereign LORD,” I said, “I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.” But the LORD said to me, “Do not say, ‘I am only a child.’ You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them for I am with you and will rescue you,” declares the LORD.
Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, “Now i have put my words in your mouth…”
Jeremiah 1.4-9
ARE you kidding me?!?! Who am I to deserve such treatment? How is it that all the fears I have and insecurities can be in one little passage blanketed with such love, such clarity..its like he knows me or something. Not only did he shower me with his presence but he had me write it out as it was happening so that i couldn’t go back and rationalize. This was no coincidence, it was a planned moment! And seriously if you’re not up out of your seat dancing and being SUPER excited aah you be straight up crazy and should get up right not because this is pretty much the epitome of prime!!!
I know i say this a lot but seriously how did i get SO lucky?! I do not deserve this! AAAAH I can’t wipe this ridiculously HUGE smile off my face!
I’m a lucky lucky girl, not only do i have an amazing God but i also have a sensational support system your prayers are no doubt making a huge difference (my brother is coming in just over a month, i have friends, I'm growing..ah there’s so many answered prayers) and i can’t express how grateful i am. I pray that as you are frolicking alongside me in this journey you will be praying for God to continue open the doors for me and to be extremely clear in what he wants me to do. For wisdom, discernment, i want to ooze grace and love, to be shockingly patient (*shudder, praying for patience is scary heehee), and of course more Spanish!!!
What a blessing to be able to share all of this! If you have any questions or thoughts…anything really, my inbox is always open and i do delight in feedback. This upcoming year is, heck these upcoming months are, going to be huge…eek I'm excited!!!
