This morning I opened up my devotional:
“Let me infuse My Peace into your innermost being. As you sit quietly in the Light of My Presence, you can sense Peace growing within you. This is not something that you accomplish through self-discipline and willpower; it is opening yourself to receive My blessing.
In this age of independence, people find it hard to acknowledge their neediness. However, I have taken you along a path that has highlighted your need for Me; placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident. Through the aridity of those desert marches, I have drawn you closer and closer to Myself. You have discovered flowers of Peace blossoming in the most desolate places. You have learned to thank Me for hard times and difficult journeys, trusting that through them I accomplish My best work. You have realized that needing Me is the key to knowing Me intimately, which is the gift above all gifts.”
- Jesus Calling, 2004
As I read through this one of the things that stuck out to me was the line: “placing you in situations where your strengths were irrelevant and your weaknesses were glaringly evident”. Which, essentially sums up this year for me. I have had times where I have felt so completely depleted of all energy and confidence in my ability to discern what I am hearing from God, doubting just about everything and second guessing to the point of making myself sick. It has felt like I have had the metaphorical rug pulled out from under me and have not been able to get back up, I just keep slipping and falling back down.
Someone gave me a good visual: it’s like you’re blindfolded and keep getting punched but you can’t defend yourself because you don’t know where the punches are coming from. Feeling so exposed and as though my weaknesses were being broadcast for all to see and judge, that the solution was so simple and yet I couldn’t grasp it. In the midst of all this still feeling excited that I was lucky enough to experience all this supposed failure, knowing that it was making a better person and that God did have purpose for it all. Then having moments when I would say “Hey God, lets take a break, I think here’s an okay place to rest” and having Him respond “Oooh my wee Kayla, we’re just about to jump off another cliff! Didn’t you get the memo? OH wait, no, I didn’t send you one! Geronimooo!”
Quite the journey! At times, super fun and at other times I have just wanted to curl up in ball in the 
corner and lock myself in my room. Dealing with inequity, not knowing who is trustworthy, feeling so fragile and ridiculous, having to constantly remind myself that I serve a BIG God who sees everything and that no matter how I feel or what I think I see, He sees more and His plan is way better than mine. Being scared is not an excuse, but something to push past – like the Mega Tarzan Swing – sometimes all you have to do is close your eyes and ask to be pushed (after unlocking your foot from the gate, of course!). At the end of the day it doesn’t always matter how long you took to jump, it’s “did you jump?”
corner and lock myself in my room. Dealing with inequity, not knowing who is trustworthy, feeling so fragile and ridiculous, having to constantly remind myself that I serve a BIG God who sees everything and that no matter how I feel or what I think I see, He sees more and His plan is way better than mine. Being scared is not an excuse, but something to push past – like the Mega Tarzan Swing – sometimes all you have to do is close your eyes and ask to be pushed (after unlocking your foot from the gate, of course!). At the end of the day it doesn’t always matter how long you took to jump, it’s “did you jump?”
These past few months have brought many fun adventures:
- I went to Nicaragua with one of my teammates and we had a lot of fun, the trip was carefree and relaxing! Thank you for those of you who were praying.
- My brother came and left! We had SUCH an amazing time!!! I’m a very lucky lady, I was spoiled and it was wonderful! For those of you who were praying for an excellent time, it surpassed! It was everything I could have imagined and more! I love my brother and it would appear that he loves me too!
- I finally bought bedroom curtains, they are beautiful!
Prayer
- Hurricane Otto passed through Costa Rica last week and the affects have been devastating. One of the places that was hit the hardest was up north (Upala, Bagaces). I have helped with many teams up there in the past and have friends in some of the communities that were hit, some of whom have lost their homes and loved ones. The church where I was in August with the Step team was flooded (last I had heard it was knee deep) and the Pastor lost some family members. We are very grateful that God spared the Central Valley, but are grieved by what has happened in the North and South of Costa Rica. I am very grateful that God kept many of my friends and their homes safe – some have opened up their homes as refuges for those who lost everything. Many of the school gyms/churches are being used as shelters for the time being. Please keep Costa Rica in your prayers that those in authority would have wisdom to know how to repair and distribute the donations pouring in from all over the country. Please pray for morale and that through this tough time God’s grace would shine through and bring joy into these communities!
